If that weren't enough, Tom Brady's Dad won't confirm that Tom and Gisele got engaged on Xmas Eve in a private jet among several dozen white roses. I mean if we can't even confirm that this stunning brain-dead couple are going to get married, what sense can life make?
Aren't we pretty? Together, we know at least 57 words. So this got me to thinking - how can I push the "do-over" button in 2009 to make all this ickiness go away? How can I say, "jumpstart" my life? What's that, MSN? You have the solution in the form of a ridiculous list that will make me forget my current troubles, specifically my love life? Excellent.
Jumpstart Your Love Life
Try these tips and, by Valentine's Day, you may be fighting off prospective suitors!
Valentine's Day? Valentine's Day? Fuck off, MSN. I haven't even made it through New Year's, and now I've got to think about Valentine's Day? Blerg.
1. Dare to have spares
"Dating is a numbers game, so skip the old 'a nice person only dates one at a time' rule. The more you date, the better the odds of finding someone wonderful worth weeding out from the pack. Plus, a full social calendar and lack of instant availability brings out the hard-to-get reaction in the opposite sex without actually having to play a game!"
– Dennie Hughes, author of Dateworthy
Oh, Dennie. First of all your name disturbs me. Second of all, does that mean I need to rotate in the sweet guy who lives next door and is always saying "Hello" and "Hi" and "Cute dog" to me, in order to not play games but actually be playing games because that guy lives in a house for the chronically mentally ill? Got it. I'm sure giving him his meds and talking him down when he has a psychotic break will also take up a fair amount of time, therefore leaving me totally unavailable when a mentally stable guy calls.
2. Roll up the rugs
"Throw a 'widening your net of possibilities' party. Love matches often come from your network of friends, colleagues and family. Invite everyone you know and ask them to bring at least one single person, or even a couple. The love of your life — or at least his or her cousin — just might walk through your door."
– Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Opening Love's Door
Diana, first and foremost, I only have one rug to roll up, and if I did that, it would just look weird in my living room. And "even a couple"? Diana, no couples are invited to my home. You know this.
3. Be captivated
"I often tell my patients (not to mention family and friends) that finding and sustaining love is like acquiring a piece of art. We should wait to be struck and captivated. But all too often we walk around with our pre-crafted 'frame' — or idea of whom we belong with — desperately trying to fit someone into it. So in 2009, throw away your mental checklist of what you're looking for and keep a truly open mind—you might be surprised at who truly clicks with you."
– Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation
Ian, I'm going to try and ignore how truly bugged I am that your book's title is an homage to a mediocre crime show who's spin-off gave David Crusoe his career back. Shame on you. Secondly, this advice seems eerily close to, "Lower your standards and stop being so picky, because maybe that's why your single, and just because he had to borrow three bucks from you to go to Taco Bell that night doesn't mean you should rule him out forever - I mean, he might finally graduate junior college in 2009. At 33." Ian, I think you, your Ph.D. and your bad metaphors need to suck it.
4. Get a planner
"Set dating goals. Writing things down helps you to achieve your goals. Think short- and long-term. Maybe it's one date a week or meeting three new people a month. Either way, write it down and make it happen."
– Lissa Coffey, author of What's Your Dosha, Baby?
I think you mean get a plan, Lissa, baby. Because a planner? Like a day planner? Wherein I can write down things like, "Get out of bed because normal people do that on a daily basis" and "Try not to despair by noon and go back to bed because that's not what normal people do," etc.? Lissa (is that like Lisa with a really long "s"?) I don't think the kind folks at DayRunner are going to make my life happen. Although I do believe writing things down is helpful. Like the not going back to bed at noon thing. That keeps me up until at least 1:30.
5. Risk embarrassment
"Don't be afraid of going out on a limb. You don't want to appear desperate, but at some point one of you has to give up waiting three days to call the other person back and pretending you're too aloof to fall in love. Why not you? A corny gesture — writing a note telling how happy you are when you see him or cooking a meal — can make him think it's time to take things beyond the stage of dates you aren't sure are actually dates."
– Gregory Gilderman, author of She's the One: The Surprising Truth of What Makes a Woman a Keeper
Dear G.G.,
Why are all you advice persons' names so lame? Also, I'm curious as to this strange situation wherein people are making other people food and then acting aloof? I've had exactly two guys make me food, and I'm pretty sure when that happens, they are in. Unless they aren't, which happened in one of the cases. And then I wasn't, which happened in the other case. But neither of us had to write a corny note in order to figure all that out. Are you giving dating advice to 7th graders? I'm so confused.
Sincerely,
Here's Hoping I'm a Keeper, Although I May Never Know, Because Surprisingly, I'll Never Read Your Book
"The quickest way to meet prospective dates is to hang out in places where the odds are in your favor. For women, that means sports bars or the driving range. For guys, try DSW (or any other gigantic shoe warehouse). These places are crawling with women, especially on early Friday evenings and Saturdays. Just ask the nearest unattached female to help you pick out a new pair of shoes. See where it goes from there.
"Also consider book clubs: Women love to read, and there are usually very few men in attendance. It's a great pick if you're interested in dating someone brainy."
– Lisa Daily, author of Stop Getting Dumped!
The only men in book clubs are the gay ones, so dudes, if you join, you better make it clear what team your are on. A rare exception occurred when I was "dating" Johnny Meeker, who was involved in an all-male book club, which entailed reading books about what it means to be male in this culture. For a minute, I thought, how erudite and interesting. Then I thought, Ewwwwwww.
P.S. to Lisa: Titles with exclamation points are only second to titles that pay homage to second rate crime shows. Also, I'd rather put a fork in my eye than ever sit in a sports bar trolling for dudes. Plus, Margi and I have tried it, and the dudes that come trolling back are, in a word, puffy.
7. Listen up
"One of the most engaging ways to get people to feel close to you is by being a good listener. Why do you think people love to go to their hairdresser? Good listening requires paying close attention, asking for details, and then echoing back the important points of the conversation. If you take the time to listen to someone, he or she will feel like you really care. Also, it gives you the chance to see what kind of person he or she is without having to worry about what to say back!"
– Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men
Let me get this straight: If I take the time to listen, he will feel like I really care? Even if I don't? Genius. And when you talk to someone and listen to what they say, you can figure out what kind of person they are, instead of judging someone purely on looks and what kind of car they drive? That. Is. Unbelievable. I can't wait to see what secrets you unveil in your secrets of Happily Married Men, Haltzman. I'm guessing there might be such gems as: Be nice to your wife and listen to her so she thinks you really care, don't cheat on her because that's just shitty and bringing home your administrative assistant and suggesting a threesome might cause some conflict.
8. Get some class
"Sign up for one thing you're interested in that involves a group meeting on a regular basis. I recommend gatherings that focus on your own interests: Yoga, cooking or kayaking class, a gardening group, a political campaign, or a co-ed sports league or team. In no time, you'll have a wider circle of friends, and when you meet a prospect, you'll already have some idea of that person's character and personality. This will prevent you from wasting a lot of time on a loser."
– Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again
Tina Tessina, your name should have been a song. Like the Girl from Ipanema, but different. Anyway, unofficially, I love the idea of not wasting any more time dating a loser, but here's the thing; I tried all those "classes" in my 20s, and they were full of women, bitter divorced men, eternally single men, and absolutely no one I was interested in dating. But joining a gardening group? Well, you just might be on to something.
9. Give good sense
"Have a romance with life! Tap into your senses, and you'll come alive with positive energy. Really taste your food and savor your wine; enjoy your music and the sounds of nature; feel the sun or the breeze on your skin and smell the aromas around you. When you get in the habit of living life like this, others are drawn to your passion and enthusiasm."
– Debbie Mandel, Author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul
Debbie are you perhaps the lost Mandel sister, with the giant forehead and tiny baby hands? No? Oh. Right, right, that was an SNL skit. My bad. Oh I feel the breeze and smell the aromas, Debster, you can count on that. And as for enthusiasm? It's obviously coming out of my fucking pores, and at least half a dozen people are magnetically drawn to it. It's a certain kind of enthusiasm, peppered with reality and sarcasm, so only a chosen few can drink it in. But I'll take it.
Ahhh. After all that sage advice, I know 2009 is going to be amazing. I can just feel it; a certain kind of hope, and the audacity of it. Bring it on, Barack, as you are all we've got going at the moment. And as you are shoveling through the shit of what the previous administration has left you (and us) could you maybe pull some strings and get my book published? Whenever you've got time, after the bank, auto industry, mortgage, Hamas, Al-Quiada, global recession/depression/warming, stock market, skyrocketing unemployment stuff has been solved. I'll wait.
P.S. Missed the SNL skit mentioned above? Do enjoy.
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