Some End of Year Thoughts

Most days, I can see where all of this is going. Life that is, and although it may be only for a fleeting second, I can usually get a grip on this whole messy thing we wake up to each day - make some sense of why this happened or this didn't, etc. But lately, in the wake of Snomaggeden, slow business at my silly part time job, various tragedies happening to people that I love, the implosion of the publishing (and every other) industry, which might well make it impossible for writers to publish books and make money in the traditional sense, that finally, this morning, as my $70 espresso machine took it's last gasp, and I fought to breathe through my nose because I'm so sick, I thought: That's it. This shit is wack, and none of it makes any sense. I feel like my dreams are being suffocated, that the myth that if you want something bad enough and you work hard to get it, with a little luck and talent you will succeed is a bunch of bullshit, and this realization, coupled with the sad truth that I am starting to glean some comfort out of sleeping with my snorting pug every night, to me signals some kind of beginning of the End of Days.

If that weren't enough, Tom Brady's Dad won't confirm that Tom and Gisele got engaged on Xmas Eve in a private jet among several dozen white roses. I mean if we can't even confirm that this stunning brain-dead couple are going to get married, what sense can life make?

Aren't we pretty? Together, we know at least 57 words.

So this got me to thinking - how can I push the "do-over" button in 2009 to make all this ickiness go away? How can I say, "jumpstart" my life? What's that, MSN? You have the solution in the form of a ridiculous list that will make me forget my current troubles, specifically my love life? Excellent.

Jumpstart Your Love Life

Try these tips and, by Valentine's Day, you may be fighting off prospective suitors!

Valentine's Day? Valentine's Day? Fuck off, MSN. I haven't even made it through New Year's, and now I've got to think about Valentine's Day? Blerg.

1. Dare to have spares
"Dating is a numbers game, so skip the old 'a nice person only dates one at a time' rule. The more you date, the better the odds of finding someone wonderful worth weeding out from the pack. Plus, a full social calendar and lack of instant availability brings out the hard-to-get reaction in the opposite sex without actually having to play a game!"
– Dennie Hughes, author of Dateworthy

Oh, Dennie. First of all your name disturbs me. Second of all, does that mean I need to rotate in the sweet guy who lives next door and is always saying "Hello" and "Hi" and "Cute dog" to me, in order to not play games but actually be playing games because that guy lives in a house for the chronically mentally ill? Got it. I'm sure giving him his meds and talking him down when he has a psychotic break will also take up a fair amount of time, therefore leaving me totally unavailable when a mentally stable guy calls.

2. Roll up the rugs
"Throw a 'widening your net of possibilities' party. Love matches often come from your network of friends, colleagues and family. Invite everyone you know and ask them to bring at least one single person, or even a couple. The love of your life — or at least his or her cousin — just might walk through your door."
– Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Opening Love's Door

Diana, first and foremost, I only have one rug to roll up, and if I did that, it would just look weird in my living room. And "even a couple"? Diana, no couples are invited to my home. You know this.

3. Be captivated
"I often tell my patients (not to mention family and friends) that finding and sustaining love is like acquiring a piece of art. We should wait to be struck and captivated. But all too often we walk around with our pre-crafted 'frame' — or idea of whom we belong with — desperately trying to fit someone into it. So in 2009, throw away your mental checklist of what you're looking for and keep a truly open mind—you might be surprised at who truly clicks with you."
– Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation

Ian, I'm going to try and ignore how truly bugged I am that your book's title is an homage to a mediocre crime show who's spin-off gave David Crusoe his career back. Shame on you. Secondly, this advice seems eerily close to, "Lower your standards and stop being so picky, because maybe that's why your single, and just because he had to borrow three bucks from you to go to Taco Bell that night doesn't mean you should rule him out forever - I mean, he might finally graduate junior college in 2009. At 33." Ian, I think you, your Ph.D. and your bad metaphors need to suck it.

4. Get a planner
"Set dating goals. Writing things down helps you to achieve your goals. Think short- and long-term. Maybe it's one date a week or meeting three new people a month. Either way, write it down and make it happen."
– Lissa Coffey, author of What's Your Dosha, Baby?

I think you mean get a plan, Lissa, baby. Because a planner? Like a day planner? Wherein I can write down things like, "Get out of bed because normal people do that on a daily basis" and "Try not to despair by noon and go back to bed because that's not what normal people do," etc.? Lissa (is that like Lisa with a really long "s"?) I don't think the kind folks at DayRunner are going to make my life happen. Although I do believe writing things down is helpful. Like the not going back to bed at noon thing. That keeps me up until at least 1:30.

5. Risk embarrassment
"Don't be afraid of going out on a limb. You don't want to appear desperate, but at some point one of you has to give up waiting three days to call the other person back and pretending you're too aloof to fall in love. Why not you? A corny gesture — writing a note telling how happy you are when you see him or cooking a meal — can make him think it's time to take things beyond the stage of dates you aren't sure are actually dates."
– Gregory Gilderman, author of She's the One: The Surprising Truth of What Makes a Woman a Keeper

Dear G.G.,

Why are all you advice persons' names so lame? Also, I'm curious as to this strange situation wherein people are making other people food and then acting aloof? I've had exactly two guys make me food, and I'm pretty sure when that happens, they are in. Unless they aren't, which happened in one of the cases. And then I wasn't, which happened in the other case. But neither of us had to write a corny note in order to figure all that out. Are you giving dating advice to 7th graders? I'm so confused.

Sincerely,

Here's Hoping I'm a Keeper, Although I May Never Know, Because Surprisingly, I'll Never Read Your Book

6. Play the odds
"The quickest way to meet prospective dates is to hang out in places where the odds are in your favor. For women, that means sports bars or the driving range. For guys, try DSW (or any other gigantic shoe warehouse). These places are crawling with women, especially on early Friday evenings and Saturdays. Just ask the nearest unattached female to help you pick out a new pair of shoes. See where it goes from there.

"Also consider book clubs: Women love to read, and there are usually very few men in attendance. It's a great pick if you're interested in dating someone brainy."
– Lisa Daily, author of Stop Getting Dumped!

The only men in book clubs are the gay ones, so dudes, if you join, you better make it clear what team your are on. A rare exception occurred when I was "dating" Johnny Meeker, who was involved in an all-male book club, which entailed reading books about what it means to be male in this culture. For a minute, I thought, how erudite and interesting. Then I thought, Ewwwwwww.

P.S. to Lisa: Titles with exclamation points are only second to titles that pay homage to second rate crime shows. Also, I'd rather put a fork in my eye than ever sit in a sports bar trolling for dudes. Plus, Margi and I have tried it, and the dudes that come trolling back are, in a word, puffy.


7. Listen up
"One of the most engaging ways to get people to feel close to you is by being a good listener. Why do you think people love to go to their hairdresser? Good listening requires paying close attention, asking for details, and then echoing back the important points of the conversation. If you take the time to listen to someone, he or she will feel like you really care. Also, it gives you the chance to see what kind of person he or she is without having to worry about what to say back!"
– Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men

Let me get this straight: If I take the time to listen, he will feel like I really care? Even if I don't? Genius. And when you talk to someone and listen to what they say, you can figure out what kind of person they are, instead of judging someone purely on looks and what kind of car they drive? That. Is. Unbelievable. I can't wait to see what secrets you unveil in your secrets of Happily Married Men, Haltzman. I'm guessing there might be such gems as: Be nice to your wife and listen to her so she thinks you really care, don't cheat on her because that's just shitty and bringing home your administrative assistant and suggesting a threesome might cause some conflict.

8. Get some class
"Sign up for one thing you're interested in that involves a group meeting on a regular basis. I recommend gatherings that focus on your own interests: Yoga, cooking or kayaking class, a gardening group, a political campaign, or a co-ed sports league or team. In no time, you'll have a wider circle of friends, and when you meet a prospect, you'll already have some idea of that person's character and personality. This will prevent you from wasting a lot of time on a loser."
– Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

Tina Tessina, your name should have been a song. Like the Girl from Ipanema, but different. Anyway, unofficially, I love the idea of not wasting any more time dating a loser, but here's the thing; I tried all those "classes" in my 20s, and they were full of women, bitter divorced men, eternally single men, and absolutely no one I was interested in dating. But joining a gardening group? Well, you just might be on to something.

9. Give good sense
"Have a romance with life! Tap into your senses, and you'll come alive with positive energy. Really taste your food and savor your wine; enjoy your music and the sounds of nature; feel the sun or the breeze on your skin and smell the aromas around you. When you get in the habit of living life like this, others are drawn to your passion and enthusiasm."
– Debbie Mandel, Author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul

Debbie are you perhaps the lost Mandel sister, with the giant forehead and tiny baby hands? No? Oh. Right, right, that was an SNL skit. My bad. Oh I feel the breeze and smell the aromas, Debster, you can count on that. And as for enthusiasm? It's obviously coming out of my fucking pores, and at least half a dozen people are magnetically drawn to it. It's a certain kind of enthusiasm, peppered with reality and sarcasm, so only a chosen few can drink it in. But I'll take it.

Ahhh. After all that sage advice, I know 2009 is going to be amazing. I can just feel it; a certain kind of hope, and the audacity of it. Bring it on, Barack, as you are all we've got going at the moment. And as you are shoveling through the shit of what the previous administration has left you (and us) could you maybe pull some strings and get my book published? Whenever you've got time, after the bank, auto industry, mortgage, Hamas, Al-Quiada, global recession/depression/warming, stock market, skyrocketing unemployment stuff has been solved. I'll wait.

P.S. Missed the SNL skit mentioned above? Do enjoy.

Merry, Merry

Here's hoping your day is as interesting and "noel" filled as Anna Nicole's was. Watching this clip (and despite her bad plastic surgery, etc.) I so want to be Kathy Griffin.

R.I.P Anna! Thanks again for getting me through grad school. Your show that is, not your brain. May your bobble head always adorn my desk.

It's Time I Came Clean With Something.

Great, now what? I'm going to sit here
until someone picks me up. I'm waiting.

I don't have a dog. Dogs like to walk, they romp in snow, they get out there in the world and sniff things. Wally sniffs things for sure, but his "dog-like" qualities end there. I don't know what he is, but it's not a dog. Case in point: Arctic Blast 2008, which has doused Portland with, barring a more scientific term, a shitload of snow. Like 14 inches in my driveway.

Wally is not amused. He's so unamused, in fact, that he wouldn't even pee last night, after being inside for 12 hours, because all his usual spots are covered. He finally did this morning, after much conversation and after being carried over the snow drifts to a spot under the porch that was clear of this white stuff that is totally bugging him.

Oh, did you think I was getting ready to romp or something?
No. I'm standing here like a tiny little schoolgirl with one paw up, waiting to be picked up.
Still. Waiting. WTF?

Completely gratuitous. And adorable.

It's a good thing I heart this little jackass.

I'm sure this blog post has completely changed/enriched your life. You're welcome.

Last Minute Xmas Shopping/Shameless Plug for My Sister

Oh, peeps. I can't tell you what I've been spending my time doing in this Arctic Blast of 2008, as obviously it hasn't included a hell of a lot of blogging. Maybe that's because my days have been consumed by Wally and trying to get him not to pant and/or like obsessively the entire day, obsessively watching the weather reports, getting called off of work and wondering how long it is until I'm living back in my parent's house, obsessively reading about the continuing collapse of the publishing industry and wondering how long it is before I have to go back to school and become something else entirely and obsessively realizing that I'm 36 tomorrow, etc.

At any rate, I'd almost forgotten that it's Xmas next week, maybe because I've done no shopping whatsoever. Perhaps you are in the same boat and need, say some trendy, eco-friendly earrings for your friend/girlfriend/guy friend who likes to wear earrings?

Look no further. My super talented sister, Kari-Sita, has just launched a site www.supportacancersurvivor.org, which she hopes to link to other survivors with goods/services to sell, a sort of extension of the "buy local" idea, only with a focus on those who've survived cancer. From there, you can go to her Etsy site www.karisita.etsy.com and peruse her wares, made mostly from recycled materials. (Click on the photos to make them bigger if you can't see the whole earring.)

A couple of my favorites, "space shippy" and "wrapped metal" respectively.

Hope you see something you like - she's had some success at local stores, and with hipsters like Miss Katie Horley. And she knows what's up, that Miss Horley.

Most Awkwardly Hilarious Interview I've Seen In Awhile.

In another lifetime, in a galaxy far, far away called Los Angeles, I was lucky enough to date an actor and stand-up comic (shout out to Dennis!) who was good friends with the brilliantly funny (you are too, Dennis, you are too) Zach Galifianakis. Let's just say there was a very interesting night at Zach's house that involved Scrabble, pot brownies and a girl named Watermelon.

Enjoy Zach's bizarre sneezing and the way he accuses Jon Hamm of not feeling guilty about the disfigured of the world because he is so good looking. Props to Jon for rolling with it.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Team Aniston Disbanding?

Now, I've always been a fan. Even though I think she gets full body microdermabrasion and has had some lipo and a tiny nose job. And is always the color of caramel. She acted pretty classy when Crazy-ass Jolie stole her husband and immediately adopted/birthed enough kids for a freaking basket ball team, and I can't say I would have.

But now, John Mayer's involved and she's pretty much naked on the cover of GQ, but she's "not making any kind of a statement." Ok, Jen, I'm totally with you. You see, Jen, I wasn't trying to make any kind of a statement either, like when wrote my first love a 10-page letter and Fed-exed it so that maybe he would dump his new girlfriend Pilar and take me to prom. Or the time when I was 21, and visited my old restaurant long enough to get a good look at my ex's so tall and so not attractive fiancee, glare at her and then glare at him. While drunk. Ditto goes for that post about a more recent ex like 5 days ago on this blog.

No statements here. Just multiple expressions of who I am. I'm just glad they don't make me look quite so, well, desperate for attention as this shoot did, although on second thought, they just might have. But I'm more mature now, you see. Much more so. I do wonder where my caramel-colored headless male models, are, however?

Totally not fair.

Nice tie. But why does your face look so weird? Oh, right. Photoshop.

Also? Can we talk about John Mayer? When presented with this cover by some reporters, he allegedly said, "No, don't make me hold it - you're pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die."

Jen, that's not funny. Or smart. And it makes no sense. I think it's time to move on, even if you do get a kick out of watching him, "think his thoughts." Neato! Thinking thoughts! Jesus.

Seven Signs He's About To Propose

I'm so excited. According to MSN, I think Wally is getting up the courage to pop the question. Shhh. We don't want him to know that you know what I know.

Sure, sure, he looks a little distracted here. You know why? He's pondering princess cut vs.
traditional and Tiffany's vs. Kay Jewelers. We are in a recession, after all.

1. He's Growing out of His Bachelor Ways

You can tell his bachelor days are behind him when his number one priority is no longer himself. If he's constantly using terms like "we" and "our," and plans for a weekend with the guys in Vegas are suddenly on the back burner while weekend picnics with you are becoming more common, he's probably not just sick of his buddies.

Just the other day, as I dragged Wally the entire seven blocks to the park, I think he was actually only using 3/4 of his body weight against me instead of all of it. I could sense he was becoming less resistant, and looking forward to ten minutes of bonding time in the park, wherein he would bark at the sky, avoid other dogs, pee on everything and then lay down when I told him it was time to go home. But it was just the two of us, you see and so romantic. No pesky bachelor buddies to be found.

2. He's Redecorating

You may also notice certain items have disappeared from his pad, like his college posters and Star Wars memorabilia. Did he ditch that ugly brown chair for a nice new couch? It could be the start of major changes — your boyfriend is making room in his life for you, both physically and emotionally.

This one's big. At least twice the other day he pulled his little bed down off the chair and sat on it upside-down on the floor. Also? He's left at least five stuffed animals, including his favorites (the raccoon, the puppy, the bear, the piglet and the hedgehog - do you think he's spoiled?) in my bedroom as of late. Coincidence? I don't think so.

3. He's Curbing Big Purchases

Has your boyfriend gone from big spender to scrooge? The plasma screen TV he'd been planning to buy isn't hanging over his mantel, and instead of buying rounds of drinks at happy hour after work, he's home cooking dinner. He may be putting away money now so that the two of you will be comfortable well into the future.

God he loved that little red Miata. He loved riding with the top down and throwing caution to the wind. But he told me last month that he loved me more, and sold it to my friend Nico. You can find Nico cruising Hawthorne and Division in it nightly. Nico only paid him 20 bucks for it, but still, I can't say I don't think it's a sign.

4. He's Not Complaining About Weddings

While at a wedding together, it's more than just the usual eagerness for an open bar. He's not cracking jokes during the vow exchange — he's commenting on the couple's first-dance song choice and the meal selection. Take it as a sign that he's paying attention to all things wedding-related because matrimony is on his mind.

Not complaining? He can't wait for Mere's wedding this spring. He's begging me for a tux fitting at least three months out, so we can find one that he doesn't have to put his legs through. He hates that. It makes him bite people.

5. He's Taken an Interest in Your Jewelry

Has he been complimenting your great ability to accessorize? Snooping around in your jewelry box? Holding your hand, constantly? All kidding aside, when your favorite ring goes missing, you'll know for sure that he's trying to find a covert way to figure out your size.

Wally doesn't hold my hand, MSN, but he does like to sniff my forehead and eye sockets for a very long time. He's also not a fan of my earrings. But I like to think all the sniffing still counts.

6. He Wants to Meet the Parents
Okay, so he's probably already met your parents. If he hasn't and has become insistent on meeting them, it's probably for a good reason. But if he already knows them well and has become the first to RSVP for your nephew's birthday party, jumps at the chance for a weekend visit with your parents, or, even more telling, tries to plan outings for both your families to hang out together, he's ready for the next step.

This one is awkward, since he used to live with my parents and it didn't go so well for four out of the five years. They are all slowly healing, however, and now when my mom comes over, he doesn't just bark and run away like he used to. Just yesterday, he sniffed her eye sockets too, and that's got to be a sign of commitment.

7. He's Acting out of Character

You know his daily routine inside and out, and any variation is enough to give you pause. If he's super-insistent that you guys do something you never do (like take a walk through a park or drive to a place to watch the sunset), he may be setting you up to speak those four little words: "Will you marry me?" After all that hard work, be sure to make it easy on him and say "yes!"

Totally, MSN, totally! He's like in love with my friend Lynn and when I said we were going to see her the other day, he hid under the bed and I had to drag him out. He's forsaking other women! He loves only me! We are totally getting married!

Oh, MSN, you are so, so wise. Why can't I get advice from you about everything, all the time?

My Point Exactly.

I'm just saying. Don't forget to watch the crawl (you might have to play it twice) my favorite headline, "Esquire Releases List of 25 Ways to Dress Like a Gentlemen While Acting Like a Complete Dick."


Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Hey, Wait, My Book is Sort of Published!

Go to www.bookglutton.com and you can read the preface and the first chapter of my yet-not-totally-published memoir, as well as a dorky author bio, which I wrote as well. You may notice I'm not that Matt guy or that Jim guy, so click on featured author until I pop up, unless I do when you get there. This is a very cool site in general, where you can read books online and comment on them, all for free. It's the future, or a big part of it, so you might want to check it out.

P.S. When it's finished, I'll upload the rest. I'm aiming for March. Then, if some generous benefactor wants to advance me like 50 grand and publish some hard copies, that would be fantastic. Please, please, not everyone at once.

New Credo

I've been looking for one, especially since, "Sometimes you just have to model through it," is a little passe and Tyra Banks is now completely insane. But how to pick a phrase to live by? Have your BFF Sarah Grace McCandless buy you Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher for your birthday, and find it there. Did I mention I'm turning 36 in a matter of days? Well, I am.

Anyway, I had no idea the trouble Carrie had seen, which includes crazy famous parents (Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds), having a gay man who was a great friend of hers die in her bed (yep), addiction to many, many things and a whopping case of bipolar disorder, which as of late has led to electroshock and a loss of memory. Not to mention all the Princess Leia stuff. Useless fact: She was 19 when she made that movie, weighed 105 pounds and they told her to lose 10. Awesome.

What a fatty! I know, I know, this is like two movies later. Still.

So she's gone through some shit, shit of the level I cannot match, but hey, we all have our days, our bipolar tendencies and our bad dates to fall back on, right?

So here it is, a la Ms. Fisher. My new credo:

"If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that is unacceptable."

Perhaps that's already an obvious creed of mine, given this blog, but it's nice to have it so succinctly stated in one concise sentence. It's also nice to know that others understand the need to translate tragedy to comedy nearly immediately, like your life depends on it. Sometimes I think my life does, and I'm glad you all want to read about it. You know who you are.

I Think I've Found My Dream Job. And Dream Man, Perchance?

Actual Craigslist posting from today. His name is Mike, and he needs something, you see. An assistant of sorts.

I’m looking for a personal assistant that wants to go see naked chicks/ drink beer and bounce ideas off each other for movies and TV pilots. I need tacos on Monday nights and strippers later on. I have worked in the corporate world and I’m not all that into making money but I’m into making art. I want to create my world and my ways of doing business in 2009. I want to create art and motion picture with heart and soul with a little capitalism sprinkled on top. I need someone to be by my side on Monday and Tuesdays to help with anything and everything. Life is short and I’m not sure that this capitalism thing is working out so well. I’m trying to find someone out of the norm willing to take a chance on me and on the arts. I’m looking for a muse, an assistant, a friend, an idealist, and artist, humanist all rolled into one. At first it will be $50.00 a day for 2 days a week. You will get paid every 2 weeks. There will be free food, beer/drinks and fun. Very flexible in hours it would be like 5PM-10PM or 9PM-2:30AM.No Holidays. Send an E-mail/Resume and tell me a little about yourself. Send a picture (Not Required I'm not good with names but great with faces.)

I mean, I was sold, I was like, "Hello tacos on Monday and strippers later on!" but then, then I read a sample of his writing that was posted, and I new eHarmony had meant to match us, but he probably didn't give enough money to charity, and was therefore eliminated from my dating pool.

Oh, did you want to read some of his writing? I thought you did. Here you go.

Post Office Lines

We, as humans in this world, stand in line for some reason. Standing in line seems to keep some sort of order and lacks madness that might follow if we just simply did what we wanted to do and that is cut in line. Next in line please!

On this particular Saturday afternoon, at the Post Office, I had a chance to meet a fellow stranger who stood behind me in line. She was as crazed as I was in the head about this incredible scene that was unfolding before us, standing in line that is. Only she voiced her opinion out loud like some sort of protester sent from Green Peace to take on the devil himself.

In the meantime, I stood there in line motionless and thoughtless, I had nowhere to go. My place was secure in the line; I felt I had to protect it from outside influence. I stared at the floor and then at the wall. Suddenly, I saw the outline of Jesus in the upper right hand corner of the Post Office wall. Was this real? Has Jesus come to save me from this insane line?

The sight of spotting Jesus in the post office was maddening to me. But not as maddening as two lovers standing in front of you, when you know that soon you will began staring at these two lovers with blank and ugly faces. Their conversation was that of young lovers, happy to be in public and standing in line to show all that they are the loving, back rubbing, ass grabbing, and kissing couple that all people should inspire to be. Three inches separated me from the lovers. No one dared to move from the line. If you did you would be pulled from the line and striped naked. You then would be paraded up and down the line with your cock exposed and your ass bared for everyone to smack twice with sharp priority letters, then sent to the back of the line without your clothes. Next in line please!

Um, did Jesus morph into the lovers and the cocks and bare asses? I got lost for a second, and then I thought who cares? This guy is just so damn talented, and I have no doubt he's single. Things are looking up, and I am just "crazed in the head" about this dude. Stay tuned.

If you need to read more about my future husband/employer, please do:

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/ofc/947116345.html

The Perfect Storm.

MSN Advice column, meet Cosmo advice column. Do you think they possess the secrets of the dating world and perhaps the universe as well? Why, yes, they do.

At first, I was going to mock an article on MSN about "What To Do When You Run Into an Ex" but it was all like, "Be classy, act like you are great, keep it short and sweet" and I was like, "Blah, blah, I just blacked out because your advice is so dumb and obvious" and then I saw this headline:

"Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig"

And I was like, hot damn, now that's the kind of shit I need some answers about, and if I know Helen "I've Been On a Diet for 57 Years Although I Weigh 8 Pounds" Gurley Brown has the answers for me, because this seems to be the story of my life.

Abby, just how is that, you say? Well, let me tell you. Via Cosmo's awesome examples, of course.

The Timing Is Off

Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the hell just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing.

Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

Oh that fabulous future, and I have foreseen it. And how - at least 15 times in my 20s. To warm up the conversation about boys and timing, let's explore one particular case, when I was in college. I met this cute guy in "the city" (that would be what we called San Francisco) and we made out near his car and then I gave him my number. When he didn't call immediately, I assumed that I was probably so drunk at the time that I most likely wrote my number down wrong, and remember he worked at the Mark Hopkins hotel and I tracked down his work number and called him. He called me back and we had one awkward "date" that I remember little of, although I think he wore overalls. I'm almost positive. It was kind of cool back then, in 1994. Anyway, he didn't call me again, but I called him, several times, the last time leaving a very clever "When Harry Met Sally" message like, "You are probably trapped under something heavy and that's why you aren't calling me back." And he never called me again. Just disappeared like that. Cosmo, is the sad truth that nothing happened, and it was just bad timing? Probably. But let's investigate these reasons further, shall we?

We're Not Finished Playing the Field

Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "

Hey, Dan? I'm not sure you're doing a lot of "mental calculation" in the rest of your life, either, like tracking how many chicks you've given herpes to, but that's just a theory. (That's girlspeak for, "Shut the fuck up, and stop being so douchey, you scummy douchebag.")

But I digress. Yes, I've been here, like when my sweet end-of-college boyfriend stopped having sex with me, which precipitated our break-up and then he started dating a stripper, and bought her jewelry and nice dinners and paid her rent, etc. This fucker would barely buy me a beer when we were dating, so I retaliated by getting my belly button pierced. Who's the wild-child, now, huh? But the damn thing caught on every skirt, belt and pair of jeans that I owned, so it never healed and was just a circle of oozing grossness for the three weeks I had it, so I took it out. He eventually dumped the stripper and joined the military. I'm pretty sure it had everything to do with my piercing.


We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario

From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled Evidence She'll Change for the Worse. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is bitch about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a horny little minx, I freak out and bail."

Elliot? Come here. Now come closer. Great. Now listen, if you ever refer to any woman again as a "horny little minx" I will end you. Thanks.

I don't know if I've had this exactly with someone I've dated seriously, that they've said out loud, anyway. I've seen it more just in talking to dudes and dating them briefly, and I will call them the, "Marriage is Just A Legal Agreement, Babe, What's The Big Deal/Humans Aren't Meant to Be Monogamous" type. Wait, so you want me to cook for you and clean the toilet and you can screw your co-worker if you feel like it because you aren't in control of your penis and you can't be bothered with petty little legal agreements because they are so messy and time-consuming? Right. I'll get right on that. Your eggs over easy and making your shitter sparkle, that is.

We're in Like, Not in Love

Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30. So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt.

Ok, David, you might be the worst. Well, Elliot of the "horny little minx" phrase is the worst, but you are pretty bad. Just living in the moment, riding the wave of life, huh, and getting all that good sex WHEN YOU KNEW FROM THE FIRST MOMENT SHE WASN'T THE ONE AND THEN YOU DUMPED HER OUT OF GUILT? David? Fuck off.

Totally been here. As in, one ex told me that he "wished I was his sister" because he loved hanging out with me, I was so fun and funny, and if I was his sister there would just be so much less pressure. And hypothetical incest, but I'm splitting hairs. Did I mention this was brutal to hear? Well, it was brutal to hear.

We're Too into You

Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared shitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

I think this one is my favorite, as if I have to count how many times I've been told how amazing and great I am, but said guy "can't do this" or "feels uncomfortable in relationships" or "wants threesomes" or "has never committed to more than doing his laundry in the last ten years" or "isn't sure if we get serious I will be a horny little minx" I will probably go straight back to bed, so I'm not going to do it. The counting, that is. It's a weird one, this "too" into you thing, but it's kind of a nice theory. Kind of.

So what have we learned? I have no idea, except despite all of the above, I still want to meet and hopefully marry one of these fuckers (not literally one of these fuckers, but a man in general) and I have no idea how I continue to have a sliver of hope an optimism about it all, but I do. I even got so bored the other night, that I filled out an eHarmony questionnaire, just to see who might pop up. After 45 minutes of such multiple choice questions as, "I give less money than I should to charity" and "My match's height is important to me" I was matched with five guys, one of whom was 46, two of whom were accountants and all of whom I didn't really want to meet. But by the next morning, I had no less than 3 requests for "continued communication" and several hassling emails from eHarmony themselves to post a photo.

I just couldn't do it. I deactivated my account. It's just too weird and kind of sad, and I prefer the idea that I will trip over my guy on the way to a coffee shop or in the park. Naive? Maybe, but that's where I'm at. Anybody up for a little coffee at the park?

Gay Marriage Will Save The Economy?

I'm down, and I think Jack Black my indeed be the second coming. Enjoy.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Is Everyone a Little Cranky And/Or Anxious in The Weeks Between Thanksgiving and Xmas?

It could just be me. I wasn't even all that cranky this morning, especially because my Thanksgiving was delicious and drama-free, but then I started thinking about a few things and, well, I got cranky.

1. Ok, so I read this one, and it made me somewhere between annoyed and livid. It also convinced that I will never be able to write an online dating profile without first drinking a bottle of red wine and smoking some hash. It is some girl's profile on The Onion's singles and she writes, (regarding her favorite on-screen sex scene)

"Neve Campbell and Denise Richards, Wild Things. I'm a sucker for beautiful women getting it on."

As my non-Jewish mother would say, "Oy vey." Seriously? Amazingly original and annoying, although I'm sure this trick still works on all those dopey boys out there. While you're at it, WldChyld6009, why don't you add," I love watching other women make-out! I fantasize about doing it with my girlfriends." That will surely drive your numbers up.

2. A guy I dated a reasonably long time ago came in to the restaurant where I work with a date on Wednesday. How do I know it was a date? Well, it sure as fuck wasn't his sister, and there was lots of hair tossing on her part, if you know what I mean. I'm over said guy, but it's just kind of rude. You don't see me marching down to his property management company and trying to rent any goddamn property do you? Let me guess, McGrath's Fish House was all full up? Jackass, you know I still work there. To quote Jennifer Aniston, the whole thing was, "Very uncool."

3. Thirty-six is looming. It's fine, it's totally fine, don't get me wrong, and I even felt a little better when I read the following article in The Onion, about women settling for terrible jobs instead of terrible men and thought, "Yes. True, so true."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_women_increasingly_choosing

If you don't have time to read it, at least enjoy the pie chart and my favorite quote.*

"So many of my friends ended up centering their lives around uncaring deadbeats," Taylor said. "I'm not saying that I won't date a series of emotionally distant men in the future, but for right now, I prefer to focus on carving out a solid career rut for myself."

"No one is going to hold me back except for me," Taylor added.

Amen, sister. And for the record, I'm totally going to get my second master's in Ladies Studies.

*Note to Marianne: Sorry for the librarian slam in said article. Totally unnecessary. Librarians rule!